Thursday, September 17, 2015

10 years

10 years later.  My life isn't even the same.  We have a whole new set of friends, many of whom don't even realize the impact Jacob and Paul have had on our lives.  The kids don't like to miss school; tests, friends, homework.  Last year we celebrated without daddy, work duty called.  This year will be the same.

In fact, I have meetings accidentally scheduled on that day.  For so many years we would do nothing on September 22nd.  But this year, I forgot.  I didn't plan.  No family day, no donation to the NICU.  Nothing.

And I'm miserable over it.  When?!  When does it get better?  Someone once described the grief like ocean waves.  Its the most accurate description I can think of.  I'm drowning.  Seas have been calm for months, even a full year.  No scary countdown.  But today, the wave washed over me.

Why did I think that 10 years later I wouldn't be going through my same grief rituals; sensitive, shopping for nothing, and distracting myself.  Ignoring the ache in my heart.  I can't believe I forgot.  I didn't forget Jacob and Paul, but I forgot the grief.  How do you forget grief that you have lived with for 10 years?

So on the 10 year anniversary of their death, on the day that forever changed our family landscape.  We won't celebrate.  I will take the kids to school like any other day.  I will keep my distance from those who don't understand.  My family won't be together celebrating.

I know we have to move on.  But it hurts.

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