In just two days it will be the 5 year anniversary of when Jacob and Paul died. Come to think of it, tomorrow is the day we got the terrible news that they had died in utero. Going back and reading some of the posts from the first few years is really eye-opening. I don't have that over whelming sadness this year. Last year was kind of the same, but it was more about procrastination of the big day and not wanting to acknowledge what the day was a reminder of. Last year I was so emotional that I ended up in the principal's office at my daughter's elementary school crying over a silly scheduling issue.
This year I got the beginning of school blues/anxiety. But I reminded myself of last year and I refused to over react. Instead I started making mini-quilts as the gift. I have been incredibly blessed to have a few friends donate blankets too; in memory of their own children in heaven or in memory of Jacob and Paul. It has really meant a lot to me.
But then soccer started and the beginning of the year colds and here it is 2 days before we celebrate, with one day left to finalize the gifts. Most of the quilts are done, but not all. I have decided not to bake for the nurses this year and instead picked up pre-packaged breakfast food. I started to feel guilty about it. Then I realized I wanted to spend my time on living. I genuinely want to spend my time on scouts and soccer and earning belt loops with my children. I want to make a difference in my living children's life. That doesn't discount the love I have for Jacob and Paul and the huge whole in my heart and arms. But when I calculate how best to spend my time I want to focus on teaching my children new things or having adventures, rather than sewing by myself in sadness.
I think this will be the last year we take the kids out of school to remember the twins birth/death day. Next year we will celebrate on the weekend instead, or I will go alone to the hospital and cemetery. We won't forget them completely, my living children won't let me. Just today Lainy Ann told me she has 5 brothers because we can't leave out Jacob and Paul, they are part of our family too.