Friday, September 25, 2009

Day 365

And the countdown begins to September 22, 2010. I am already thinking ahead and planning, what we will do for Family Day, what will the "gift" be? But honestly today is the best day I will have all year, in terms of grief. Its like the counter just starts over. And as the number gets smaller; 364, 363, 362; my grief and emotions grow stronger. September 1st marks the hardest 22 days, a roller coaster of emotions as the kids start school, marking their inevitable growing up. September 11th comes and reminds me, and all of us, about the tragedy and fear we all had that day. Following those sad days are my sons birthday. A day where I work hard to be excited for him, yet in the back of my mind I remember his first birthday, when I was pregnant with twins. A family friend told me she couldn't believe I was pregnant with twins I was so small. I know she meant it as a compliment and I highly doubt she will even remember such a small passing comment. But those words have echoed in my head a million times, telling myself that maybe I am making it all up. Maybe the twins never did exist. No one outside of our hospital room ever saw them. Maybe other people think I am making it up too.

The last week is the hardest. I review our Family Day plans, try to find any excuse to do more spending and buying; new outfits for Family Day, more things for the 'gift', maybe just an evening out for dinner so I don't have to cook. September 21st is the worse day. I remember going to our mid-morning appointment, finding out about their death and then getting squeezed in for a lunch appointment with our regular OB. I remember dreading calling my mom and mother-in-law. I remember it all.

But on September 23rd its better. Its day 365 and I have moved past the grief for the year. Today is the best day of the year.

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