Monday, September 22, 2008

3 Years, My Sons

I don't normally do diary type entries that just repeat the day. I prefer my entries to be stories rather than a report. Even so, I have been sitting on this entry for 2 weeks now. I wanted to post something, but I couldn't think of anything to say. So please excuse my ramblings.

First, I want to say Thank You. I have belonged to message boards for nearly 4 years now. But it was when I lost the boys that I really needed the support and camaraderie of ladies who said good-bye to their children too soon. Once my eyes cleared and I could see past my grief I realized that these women could provide other support; I could complain about things in my life without hurting people's feelings, get great tips on healthy meals, and laugh about a new joke on the internet.

On September 22nd, 2008 those ladies remembered my sons. Its been three years and they still remembered. They thought of me, our family and our sons. They prayed for us. When no one in our family remembered or mentioned them to us, they remembered. And I believe that is why this year was so peaceful.

I struggled as I decided whether or not to take the kids out of school. The boys wouldn't miss anything at preschool, but I was concerned about taking Lainy Ann out of first grade. I finally decided to write a note to the teacher and she was very accommodating and sent her homework home early.

This year I decided to create two loss-mommy boxes. These boxes were filled with gifts and resources for a mother who had just lost her child. I asked a message board friend to make blankets and hats for 2 stillborn babies. I added a disposable camera, a book "Empty Cradle; Broken Heart" and a note about my own experience. I gave the boxes to the same hospital that I delivered my own sons at. I also visited with those nurses that delivered Jacob and Paul. I thanked them for their kindness and gave them some brownies.

loss boxes


From there we traveled to the cemetery. I think I have confused the children. I have told them that Jacob and Paul are in heaven and also at the cemetery. So they came up with their own answer; Jacob and Paul go to the cemetery to get into heaven. Since I wasn't in the mood to discuss ones soul versus ones body I let sleeping dogs lie. The kids had a great time running around the cemetery while I cried and remembered what will never be. My arms will forever be empty of my twin sons. The florist had blue roses. They were so beautiful. We left flowers and balloons for our dear sons. I was so proud of the kids for being respectful of the graves, the momentos, and the grieving. We have good children.


We grabbed an early lunch of drive-thru (what's new) and drove down the the Discovery Science Center in Anaheim. Its a children's museum just south of Disneyland. We had a great time. It really is a wonderful museum with lots of hands on activities. We observed weather phenomena, climbed a rock wall, sat in the earthquake shack, and played with physics. But 2 1/2 hours was plenty of time at the museum. We were home in time for a normal bedtime. After all, the kids had school the next day.

Discovery center

It was truly a peaceful day. I think we have fallen into a great routine; the morning is spent being sad and remembering and the afternoon is spent enjoying our family and counting our blessings.

I spent a lot of time on the resources and letter for the loss-mommy box. I am thinking of donating more books to the L&D unit along with the list of resources and my letter. As the children grow I would like to spend more time helping those mothers who are unfortunate enough to know my pain. Someday . . . . . .

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