Thursday, September 6, 2007

Getting pregnant so soon, was it right?

I remember being very detached the first twelve weeks of William's pregnancy - not really telling anyone and making endless trips to the bathroom to check for blood. I even told God to take the baby early if it was going to happen because I didn't want to go through labor again. It was a very depressing winter. I laid on the couch surrounded my tissues (I had cold after cold) watching feel-good movies and black and whites. I spent SOOO much time online obsessing about what could go wrong. It was such a dark time for me. Even worse than losing the twins.

I don't think I ever counted on William being healthy. I was never excited about his impending birth. I didn't wash clothes or get excited after every ultrasound. I would be relieved that the baby was fine, but within 24-hours I was making up new ailments and new circumstances that would mean buying another tiny coffin.

In fact, the first time I really relaxed was in the hospital hooked up to the baby monitor while I was being induced. I was there for 2 days and people exclaim loudly how awful it was to be in labor for so long, but listening to the heartbeat was so reassuring.

It wasn't until the induction date was scheduled that I started washing clothes and putting the car seat in the car. I had heard too many stories of ladies coming home after a still birth and having to dismantle the nursery and return purchased items. I didn't want to do that. So instead, I did nothing.

I wish I could tell you how to relax or make it all go away - but I can't. I am so sorry. This should be a fun and exciting time for a new mother. Not scary and sad.

But in the end I am glad we got pregnant right away. It was definitely the right decision for us. Instead of thinking that there wouldn't be happiness in our lives again I was able to focus on the birth of a new baby. When we celebrated the twins one year anniversary I had arms full with a warm baby.

I'm coming up on their 2 year anniversary and I wish I was pregnant. It seems so silly, but its like I need to hold onto that hope when I am facing death. Eventually I will have to face death head on. But having a baby in my arms or in my belly certainly did help with those first few dark months.

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