Monday, February 12, 2007

Like Yesterday

Why do babies die? I don't know. I wish I did. I know what gifts my sons have given me. But I wish that others didn't have to have the same kind of pain. I belong to so many groups that it seems I meet a new loss mom at least once a month. It devestates me each time. I go back to laying on the table and hearing those words, "I'm so sorry." I remember not really understanding until my husband squeezed my hand too tight, then I realized. I remember looking at their tiny bodies after they were delivered. Realizing that they were perfectly formed, little tiny wrinkles on their toes. I remember leaving the hospital empty handed - no flowers, no baby, just sadness. I felt like everyone was looking at me like I was weird.

I don't want other parents to feel that way. I don't want anyone else to ever have to buy a tiny too-small casket. I literally have a pit in my stomach and pain in my heart when I think of a woman sobbing over an empty isolette. Holding pictures and tiny hats as the only reminder of the few short weeks she had with her child.

We carry guilt for the rest of our lives. What else could have been done? I have failed my children. My only job, to bring them life, I failed. I know there was a reason, but when I hear of a new mom in the 'club' I cry, I sob. Just like it was yesterday.

Its been almost 18 months. I have difficulty remember the details of Connor's birth, but the twins death is ingrained in my mind. Burned into my memory. I remember the physical pain of their delivery and the emotional heartache of leaving them behind at the hospital. I will always remember, like it was yesterday.

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