Monday, February 26, 2007

Are you done?

We started dating when we were 17. I clearly remember sitting at a table for two at the Barkley resturaunt when we decided how many kids we would have. He said, "I'm having 8 kids." Because I was in-love and 17 I said "that sounds like a good number."

After we had our daughter we decided to have 5 kids, then after we had our son the number changed to 4. When we got pregnant with the twins it was perfect. Although it wasn't planned we were very excited - we would be having 4 children, like planned, all before I turned 30.

But now that we have lost them I feel a big empty hole in my heart. My arms ache. I couldn't get pregnant fast enough after we lost them. And I have spent the last 7 months secretly hoping to get pregnant again. I now want a dozen children! Not realistically, but in my heart. I feel like if I have enough kids they will fill that hole. I know its not rational. I know we can't possibly afford that many children, not to mention that I would be too old to have that many kids. But I can't imagine 'being done.'

The twins death has thrown a monkey wrench into our plans. That wrench is SO big that I can't even begin to make an alternate plan. Maybe we will have 8 kids, if you count the twins.

No comments:

Post a Comment