Monday, December 4, 2006

So Incredibly Thankful

I was devestated by the death of my twin sons. But here it is over a year later. I am facing the holidays knowing that I would have had two almost one-year olds crawling all over the house making decorating a tree difficult. I think about how much fun it would have been with 4 toddlers into everything, how difficult it would have been doing all the baking that I like and how I should be making 2 new full-size stockings this year instead of the two miniature ones I made last year.

Although I am sad I am also incredibly thankful. I spend time fantasizing about delivering them full term or even breathing. I also fantasize about bringing them home, even if only for a few days. But I am thankful for those 18 weeks with them, although they brought me much turmoil I loved them from the start. Up until their death I thought I was a strong woman because of the few tears I shed over the deaths of loved ones, but I realize now that I did not truly know grief. Now I do. Grief and I are no longer enemies, but friends. I welcome grief and sadness into my life because that's all I have of my sons. I don't have balloons or birthday parties to remember their lives.

They were my teachers. I find myself more compassionate, empathetic, and appreciative of everything in my life. My relationships have grown stronger and old arguments forgotten. I am less judgemental about people because I cannot possibly know or understand the turmoil in their own lives. I excuse bad behavior and forgive more readily. Things used to be black and white for me; now there are so many shades of gray.

I have a new son now. And I am enjoying his baby stage so much more then I did with his siblings. I don't even mind that I have had to change my diet so drastically for him. I believe if he was my first child I would have just given up nursing, but since losing my sons these dietary restrictions mean so little now. Its nothing compared to leaving the hospital empty handed and buying a too-small casket.

So, I thank God for choosing me to be their mother. I am thankful for be able to carry them for those 18 weeks. I am thankful for their easy delivery, the pictures that are too hard to look at, and all the other mothers who also have babies in heaven.

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