Friday, September 8, 2006

Jacob and Paul

My sons were born still almost a year ago. I am starting to get sad again although I have been "fine" for several months. Mostly I have been worried; worried that no one else will remember their short lives and worried that people will think I am selfish for mentioning them when I have such joy in my life with my other two kids and our new baby. I also feel incredibly guilty for feeling sad. My son William was born just 6 weeks ago. We got pregnant with him just 8 weeks after the twins died. If we hadn't lost them we would have never been pregnant with William. So I feel guilty for missing my sons. As if I don't appreciate or love William. I know its silly, but that doesn't make my heart any lighter.

So here it is a year later. I haven't done any of the big things I want to do to memoralize my sons; sew quilts and donate them to the NICU, make care packages for other loss moms at the hospital, or start a support group at church for others who have lost. We haven't even purchased the twins headstone - I just can't decide what I want it to say.

But this week we received a gift that made all of that just a little better. My mother-in-law, the twins grandmother, mailed us Mass cards to both of our local churches. She is having Mass said for my sons on the Sunday before and after they died. It was so touching. I have been meaning to call the church and do that, but I keep forgetting in the busyness of life. I was so happy that someone besides me remembered them.

So as I feel sad and cry for the next couple of weeks as we get closer to September 22nd I will know that I am united in my grief with their grandmother. There are two of us praying for their little souls and missing them.

So let me try out my quote here; the one I am thinking of putting on their headstone.

Dear Jacob and Paul,
We wanted to hold you tell you about God. Instead, God will hold you and tell you about us. You are loved and never forgotten. We will always carry you in our hearts.

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