Recently I spent the afternoon at my friend's mother's house. Inevitably the discussion steered towards the twins. Eventually I was talking about asking my doctor to prescribe me Clomid in the hopes of getting pregnant with twins next time. Since I feel as if my only chance to be a twin mom was taken away.
My friend's mother was confused; about the Clomid, my reasons, etc. She asked some very matter-of-fact and non-judgemental questions. It was amazing how non-judgemental she was or at least made it sound. I was really able to explain it to her and think through it myself.
I always felt my twins were a reward or a gift from God. I had a daughter and a good pregnancy, I had a son and a good pregnancy, so the 3rd time I was given twins to do it 'right'. I feel like that chance was taken away from me and I want to be able to have living intact twins.
But as I examined why I wanted twins so badly I had to back-track to why I was happy with my boys. First of all, I wasn't. I spent several weeks depressed we were pregnant again and then discovered they were twins. It was going to be a lot of work and I had never wanted twins. Then when I did more research I realized that everyone has a chance of getting identical twins - it is a 1 in 250 chance. And I felt I was blessed with this gift.
However, if I were to go about getting twins in an unnatural way (since I have no need for Clomid or other medical interventions) that is like playing God, deciding I know best. It wouldn't be special if I did it myself. Kind of like buying yourself a Valentine's Day card or sending yourself flowers. Its more special when your spouse does it - especially for no reason.
So although I will still talk to my doctor about Clomid and its effects on women without fertility issues (more for knowledge) at this point I don't want to use it to increase my chances. I always thought I would get to this place - of acceptance, not of their death. I have been accepting of their death for months. Rather accepting that my twins are not here with me. I really thought, though, that this new baby would be a year old before I got to the point where I could say, "Let's just see what happens." and not force trying to get pregnant with twins.
But I am there now. I am ready for what the world is going to throw at me. Perhaps I will be blessed again, perhaps not, but either way I won't forget my sons.