Friday, January 27, 2006

Pregnant - AGAIN!

Its hard being pregnant this time around. It is number four for me. No, not my fourth child, but my fourth pregnancy - my 5th child. My twins are waiting for me in heaven.

I spent the first 12 weeks terrified. I would check for blood on the toilet paper each time I went to the bathroom. Any little twinge and I would prepare myself for the worse. As I headed to my 12 week appointment I told my husband my 'back-up' plan just in case we had lost this baby too.

It may seem a little silly to you. But losing a pregnancy in the second trimester has changed me. It doesn't matter that the boys died because they were twins. That the chance of that happening to me again is small. It doesn't matter that I have had 2 healthy uncomplicated pregnancies.

What matters is the fear. I'm afraid of committing to this child for fear that it leaves me too. I have stayed detached. Going as far as denying my pregnancy to myself for several weeks. I finally bit the bullet and told our immediate family. I felt like I was delivering sad news instead of joyous news. I am sure it made them uncomfortable too - they just want to be happy for me. But I'm just not ready. I feel bad that I won't allow them that joy.

We are still hiding this pregnancy though. I have recently spent some time figuring out 'white lies' for when I am asked if I am pregnant. My favorite is, "Why? Do I look pregnant? I feel like I have been eating like a horse lately. It must be the depression."

I find myself bitter too. I know I should feel grateful that I can get pregnant easily and normally have easy uncomplicated pregancies. But I am so annoyed that I have to go through these first 17 weeks again. How is that fair? Not to mention how difficult it was last time. I deserve more than one baby after all this effort.

I am feeling better though. I feel like we may actually get to see this little booger is six short months. I feel like I can start shopping for strollers and getting my son ready to move out of the crib. But I don't think I will relax until I am being wheeled out of Labor and Delivery with my child in my arms.

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