Monday, December 4, 2006

So Incredibly Thankful

I was devestated by the death of my twin sons. But here it is over a year later. I am facing the holidays knowing that I would have had two almost one-year olds crawling all over the house making decorating a tree difficult. I think about how much fun it would have been with 4 toddlers into everything, how difficult it would have been doing all the baking that I like and how I should be making 2 new full-size stockings this year instead of the two miniature ones I made last year.

Saturday, December 2, 2006

I think we are potty training

Connor is growing by leaps and bounds. After his bed rail broke on Thursday we removed it. So he has been sleeping in his twin bed without it for the last few nights and nap time.

And then today we ventured into underwear. We had a few accidents this morning, but while at a family function from 11 to 1:30 he peed and pooped in the public potty the entire time!!!!!! We didn't use a single diaper.

Although I am excited to see him growing and learning I am a little apprehensive about the 2-day road trip we will be taking in two weeks. Diapers would certainly be easier on that trip.

I am very thankful to have another little one to cuddle and need me so much. I feel so sad when they grow up and want to be independent. I hope one day I won't have to fill that void with another child or we might end up with a dozen children.

I Made Him Smile!

We were at a family function recently and there were only three families there out of 200 people. Our infant was quietly sitting in his stroller at the end of the buffet. He was getting countless smiles and was thoroughly entertained.

One of the other guests begins cooing and smiling at William and he responds with a big smile. I hear her exclaim, "I made him smile!" in her most big-girl-grown-up voice. The same voice that my daughter has after using the potty. Instinct told me how to respond, "good job!" Until I realized the lady had to be 60 years old.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

"Happy Feet" makes me Happy

Today my mother and I took all three kids to their first full-length feature film. This is actually their third movie; the first "Over the Hedge" only lasted 30 minutes. Lainy Ann was tired and wanted to go home and nap. Their second movie "Cars" was cut up into parts. Lainy Ann and Connor got so squirmy that they kept leaving with Grandma Margaret to go play, use the potty, whatever. They can sit through full movies at home, but the 20 minutes of previews makes the theater going experience too long. But this movie they sat through in its entirety. I think the popcorn helped keep them busy.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'm an Auntie

We were the first of our friends and relatives to have kids. It was a rough road, as is any road when you are the first to travel it. But we have managed and the family has been ready to have more 'babies' for a long time. My sister-in-law is the next to embark on the journey. And we couldn't be happier.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

William's Baptism

Last September we delivered identical twin sons at 18 weeks. The Catholic Church's stand on the issue is to not baptize babies who are born still. Sadly, they were not baptized and did not receive a funeral. Instead a prayer service was held at the local mortuary. To add insult to injury the Catholic cemetary charged us a double internment fee since both twins were buried in the same plot.

Returning to Work after your Loss

I didn't have this issue since I don't work. My job is a "mom". Everyone tried to help and do things for the kids. In the beginning I relaxed and let the kids have special grandma time and didn't worry if things weren't being done my way. I finally blew up about 4 days post-partum. I yelled at everyone, I ranted and I cried. I didn't even know why. But once I started caring for them again I felt better. It reassured my purpose in being here without my sons.

I think its awful how society treats the death of a baby. If we had lost a spouse or a parent our workplaces would be willing to work with us for a long period of time as we became ready to return to work, but when a pregnancy is lost most employers expect us back when we are medically able, not emotionally able. Its very sad. So although I haven't gone back to a job outside of the home I think I have some advice I have heard given to others.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Lainy Ann can Spell

Over the weekend Lainy Ann turned to me at lunch time and said, "C-A-T spells cat". I was very impressed. She has been able to spell all of our names; Connor, Lainy Ann, William, Mommy and Daddy, but this was new. It was a word.

So on Sunday evening during dinner I am ready to show Daddy her new trick. I ask her to tell Daddy how to spell cat. She does. No prompting. He then asks her to spell bat. I look at her wondering what she is going to do. I only knew she could spell cat. We haven't worked on phonics. Well, she repeats the word, "bat" and starts to spell, "B-A-T". I have to tell you, right there I about peed my pants. with excitement.

They worked on a few other words too; rat and hat. She was able to figure out the initial sound and then follow it with the A-T. He also helped her to spell cup. Daddy was so excited that he announced we were having ice cream. And he scooped a bowl for each of us making sure to let Lainy Ann know that she was getting the most scoops.

Connor in Carlsbad

Last week the kids and I went to Carlsbad to visit my father and his family who were staying there for the week. I knew the kids would have great fun as they have two little girls, 8 and 4, that would play wonderfully with my kids.

Well, poor Connor was introduced to the differences between boys and girls. It wasn't anything specific but occasionally he would emerge from the bedrooms dejected with his head hanging. It was so sad. But so cute. Connor isn't used to be left out because he and his sister are inseparable. In addition, most of our friends have sons, so he isn't used to being around so many girls.

Pregnancy Loss in the Media

ER:
Carter loses his son in the fifth month of pregnancy

Related:
aired in 2005 (?)
Ginny loses her daughter in the fifth month of pregnancy. Terrible example of pregnancy loss. They do address the issue of grief well. But they don't address the delivery at all or the reason for the loss.

7th Heaven:
Lucy loses her twin sons. This is discussed cryptically. They don't talk about why, but the show does a good job of showing her grief process throughout the season.

Primetime Special: 2006
TTTS

Grey's Anatomy
"Where the Boys Are" first aired November 2006
A patient falls and her baby dies. Dr. Addison Shephard helps deliver the baby still.
This is the most realistic depiction I have seen on television so far.


If you know of other television shows please email them to me so I can add them to this list.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Whispers From Heaven

Thanks to Andrea (SHB) for finding this!


Whispers From Heaven

When I left this world without you,
I know it made you blue.
Your tears fell so freely,
I watched; I know this is true.

While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away-
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.

From this wonderful place called Heaven,
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on."

The peace that I have found here,
Goes far beyond compare,
No rain, no clouds, no suffering-
Just LOVE from everywhere.

You need not be troubled,
Just stay close to God in prayer,
Someday we'll be reunited,
My love, His love surrounds you always,
EVERYWHERE!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Experts or Intuition

When I had my first child I had many disagreements with my elders as to the right way to raise my child. Silly stuff like pacifiers, how to put her to sleep, bath soap, etc. I was busy doing research, reading and talking to other parents to make a decision on what should be done. But these elders always felt like I should listen to them and their expertise, after all they too had raised children.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

My Hat

Is this his first joke?

Randomly throughout the day Connor will emerge from his bedroom holding things on his head; a shoe, a stuffed animal, a car, a boat. He always exclaims, "My hat" and laughs.

Have I told you Lainy Ann's newest joke?

LA: Daddy, I have something in my shoe.
D: What is it?
LA: My foot!

Invariably she repeats the joke. This time the punchline is either my sock or my toes.

What a bunch of comedians!

Friday, October 6, 2006

My Mother-in-Law

We had a fabulous relationship for years before I was married. She was my second mother. I was living in her home and we would spend days together working, volunteering, and having fun. We would talk for hours. She would tell me stories of her childhood and of her children's childhood. I used those stories to guide my own life as I grew up and made decisions. I still think back on those stories as a mother now with my own children.

Monday, October 2, 2006

Connor's Bedtime Routine

Mommy: Its time for bed.
Connor runs and gets in bed.
Connor: Milk, mommy.
M: Silly boy, you don't get milk anymore.
C: MILK!
M: No milk for you. You have water.
C: Okay
M: Goodnight. I love you. Go to sleep.
Connor rolls onto his side, closes his eyes and begins to fake snore.


It cracks me up every night!

Monday, September 25, 2006

In September

In September


When cool breezes chase away the summer heat,
when children catch the school bus down the street
And the first fall leaves drift softly to my feet,
I will remember...

And, in September
When the skies turn from pale blue to cloudy gray,
And nothing we can do makes summer stay,
I will think of when you came...and went away.
I will remember...

366 days

It started in August. I knew September was coming. Then it got worse during the Huricane Katrina anniversaries. I had been in Arizona visiting my father, still pregnant with the twins eating a dozen sausage a day. I prepared for my sons 2nd birthday, remembering all the difficulty I had had the previous year.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Want To-Do List

Train seeing eye dogs in our home
Flip houses
Find an old red barn or factory and convert it into a home
Take a cooking chemistry class
Have a permanent nursery for emergency foster care for infants
Buy an RV and spend summers visiting national parks

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Happy Birthday, My Son

You are two years old. It is hard to believe that two years ago our lives were drastically different. We had only been in this house for 2 months, your sister was 18 months old and still wearing diapers, barely talking. Your room was daddy's office.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Potty Training or Defiance

This morning my son rushed out of his room for his morning diaper. All looked normal to me until I saw his bare butt! I convinced myself that he had simply taken off his diaper because it was so wet and uncomfortable. I quickly went to get a new diaper since I didn't want a mess on the floor. But on my way into the room I looked for the discarded diaper. This was an easy task since we had just cleaned his room. There wasn't a diaper in sight.

I finally found a perfectly dry diaper in his bed. How odd. Until I noticed his bed was soaking wet. I believe last night when he was fussing before going to sleep he took off his diaper. And all night long he just peed in the bed. I can't believe he didn't wake last night upset about the wet bed - but he slept right through it.

So this morning I have started the laundry. The kicker - I had just put clean sheets on last night.

Not to be Outdone by his Brother

Connor felt the need to visit the ER exactly 2 days after I was discharged. But William has had his fair share of "issues" since he was born too.

Monday, September 11, 2006

September 11 - Five years later

Many people say they remember it like yesterday; I don't. In the five years since I have gotten married, had 3 kids and bought our first house. Then I was single and working. It was not yesterday.

But I remember the events very clearly. Since I was working as a teacher in a remote city it was hard to get weather reports for the area. The only channel that reported on the weather up there was ABC. It was early and I turned on the news for the background noise and to make sure there wasn't a weather incident that would affect traffic. That's when I saw the burning building. The angle showed a bridge so I assumed it was San Francisco. I woke up my then fiance to tell him the news and worried about a friend we had in San Francisco.

Friday, September 8, 2006

Mom of boys

As I started to have kids I never imagined that I would be the mother of boys. Instead I imagined slumber parties, baking, dolls, tea parties and everything pink. I had decided that I would have one son for my husband to pass on the family name, but I never imagined myself playing in the dirt with trucks and dinosaurs. And even worse, I will one day be a mother-in-law.

Jacob and Paul

My sons were born still almost a year ago. I am starting to get sad again although I have been "fine" for several months. Mostly I have been worried; worried that no one else will remember their short lives and worried that people will think I am selfish for mentioning them when I have such joy in my life with my other two kids and our new baby.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Angel dates and Due dates, for friends

(Thanks to Jen for the idea for this entry)

It means the world to a loss mom to know that others have not forgotten her child(ren). And as I approach the first anniversary of the twins death I am scared that no one will remember and even more afraid that if I mention them it will be dismissed with, "but you have William now".

So here are some suggestions on things to do so your friend doesn't feel so alone:
-Send a card telling her you love her and have her and her baby in your thoughts and prayers
-Get her flowers or a small figurine to remind her of her baby
-Offer to visit the cemetary with her, or go yourself and leave flowers
-Offer to take her to lunch or for coffee and just listen
-Be sure to refer to her child by name
-Have a Mass or prayer service said in the name of her child


See some other suggestions here.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

An Experience Gift

Recently in one of my parenting magazines I read an article about how birthday parties are going overboard; there are too many parties, with too many favors and too many gifts. The parents of the givers and receivers both complain about this. The author suggested instead of purchasing another toy that is over-priced, poorly manufactured, and will likely be forgotten within a months time give an "experience" to the birthday child. She had examples like a day of baking cookies combined with a child-sized apron and a few utensils, an afternoon of riding horses, or even an outing to the zoo. The key to these gifts was to make sure to match the experience to the child and the outing would be experienced with the giver - like an extreme playdate. The author cautioned, however, that you should check with the parent before hand to make sure the experience is allowed.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Truth is . . . .

20 Things parents of Angels wish people would remember
(Found online)


1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my babies. The truth is just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my babies and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my babies. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my babies with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my babies more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

William's Birth Day

Around 35 weeks we started to get ready for our newest bundle. We washed clothes, assembled the bassinet, car seat, stroller and other gear. I packed my bag and was ready to go into labor at any time. After all, the others were early and it had been 10 months since my last delivery. I was ready.

At 38 weeks I wondered where the baby was. Well, he was obviously in my belly, but when was he coming out. I was having braxton hicks semi-regularly and was tired of wondering each day if 'this was it'. The baby had begun to move less too. And after a frantic visit to L&D for an NST when he wasn't moving one day and many other days of cancelled playdates so I could do kick counts I was just done being pregnant.

Anniversary of Death

People often ask "how should I celebrate the anniversary of the death of my baby(ies)?" Here are a few ideas I have come across.

-a picnic at the cemetary
-releasing balloons with notes written on them
-a letter to your babies
-turn off all phones and go away for the night
-send an email or tell people that X day will be rough on you because it was your EDD, then people can call or send a card and your babies won't be forgotten
-donate things to the hospital where you delivered; either for another loss mommy (a care package with a book and disposable camera) or to the NICU
-donate to a shelter for abused or abandoned children

Hope these helped. I really do suggest you mention to people that your EDD is coming up. Mine kind of snuck up on me and I mentioned it to my husband on his way out the door. His response was, "oh". So it just came and went. No one else remembered either and it really hurt. You can simply tell people that you may be emotional for a few days.

Be gentle to youself as this date approaches and then passes. I have found that the days leading up to milestone days are much more difficult than the day itself.

Not the Middle Child

William was born safely into this world on July 29th, 2006. He was stubborn like his siblings arriving almost 30 hours after we induced, proving that he wasn't going to be made to do anything. And he was so very loud at the very beginning that I began to worry about the family dynamics.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Scary Grasshopper!

I have never liked bugs. They scare me. I can handle anything smaller than a dime, maybe a nickel. But any bigger than that I call my husband to rescue me. If he is unavailable I will turn a cup upside down on the bug and wait until he gets home.

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Lainy Ann's Birth Day

This story begins on March 1, 2003 that morning. I slept in until noon, and then I took a nap, and then I wanted to go to bed at 8 pm. But I felt so lazy for wanting that. I chastised myself, did the dishes and then bent over to clean the bathroom floor. POP My water broke at 10 pm.

Monday, July 3, 2006

Ta Da

I keep expecting Child Family Services to knock on my door. My son gets a major bruise at least 5 times a week. Thank goodness we don't have family portraits coming up. Just last week he was running in the backyard, tripped on a hose and hit his head on a small decorative boulder. The bruise and swelling was the size of a half-dollar. Just a few hours after that he fell off the toilet. He was sitting on the lid waiting for his bath. Ugh!

Those incidents don't mention the dozens of bruises on his legs that I don't know how he got. I started feeling like a bad mother. Until I remembered that it was this age when my daughter ended up with bruises daily.

I was reminded it wasn't my fault when he took a flying leap off the couch this morning complete with a "ta da" at the end.

Sunday, July 2, 2006

"I Love My Life" by Jamie O'Neal

I admit it I listen to country music. Fan is a little extreme, especially since I can't remember any of the artists names. But I love the upbeat tempo and the down to earth lyrics. Its great for listening to in the car.

The other morning we were heading down the hill to my daughter's preschool. This song came on the radio. Now, "rocking-out" isn't exactly the right term, but we cranked up the radio and I sang along. I started tearing up as I thought of my own life and how lucky I am to be a mom to two wonderful kids and have a loving husband.

And then I looked in the rear-view mirror to see my two kids bopping along to the music. They didn't know or even understand the lyrics. But there they were, dancing while my daughter kept saying "louder". All they knew was that mommy was happy and they were too.

I truly love my life.

Saturday, July 1, 2006

Bathroom or Playground?

I was in the laundry room when my daughter yells, "come quick, its broken" from the bathroom. It was her I-think-its-urgent-voice-but-it-isn't-really. So I finished up the laundry until I heard, "Connor, come see its broken." Well, that lit a fire under me. I certainly didn't want the 21 month old checking out whatever was broken. After all, it could be glass or porcelain.

I went into the bathroom to find the towel rod hanging halfway out of the wall. Now, when my husband installed the towel rods 2 years ago he told me to be very careful since it was plaster, not drywall. Each day I have carefully re-hung the towels, not pulling on them for fear of breaking these towel rods.

At first my daughter, 3 1/2, wouldn't divulge as to how they became broken. Obviously she had something to do with it since she was the only one in the room. But I wasn't sure if she had just pulled on the towels or what.

Hours later and I am still trying to elicit the truth. Until now she has said, "it broke". So I asked her again, "What were you touching the silver part (the rod) or the towel?" So she tells me, "I was swinging on the silver part." Well, no wonder its broken, I think to myself. "Just like yesterday", she finishes.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Child Gate not Child-Proof - UPDATE

We stored the gate away for about a month; after all we couldn't return it and it wasn't gating (see previous post about the child gate). Recently we switched my son to a twin bed and he has taken to getting up several times a night and wandering around the house, just because he can. It makes me very nervous and I haven't been sleeping well.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

34 Weeks Pregnant, All is Well

Its been an eventful pregnancy. Most of it imagined and emotional; the fear of early miscarriage. The larger fear of a second trimester miscarriage. I have stressed about killing the baby after spending an active day at Disneyland. I also entertained the irrational fear of the baby being a hermaphrodite and my most recent concern was about having a c-section because the baby was breech.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Pond, again

Yes, at the same Father's Day BBQ my son fell into the pond - no not fishing or trying to retrieve the ball. His big sister must be 'first'; the first one in the house, the first one to be buckled, the first one to get dinner. Her reasoning is because she is bigger. We are trying to teach her patience, but since she will usually run to be first her slower brother is second by default.

This weekend the game was 'jump off the rock'. The rock is decorative and about 1 foot high next to the pond. This was a highly supervised activity; 2 adults holding my daughter's hands and I was watching the festivities from 3 feet away. Well, the little brother didn't want to be left out of the fun. He struggled up on the rock too and he jumped off. This continued for about 7 turns. However, my daughter wasn't content to wait for Connor to climb up onto the rock. So she pushed by him to get onto the rock first. And he tumbled head first into the pond. With all the adults nearby he was drug out immediately. He had held his breath and did not have any scratches on him.

After a bit of holding, rocking, a quick shower, and change of clothes he was fine. Or so we thought. That night he had several nightmares and the next day ended up with a high fever. I don't know if the incidents are connected, but he is healthy now and back to his normal self.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

My Son, the Fisherman

When I told the story about the first time my son went fishing I expected it to go something like this:

My husband and son, 9 years old, left the house at 5 am with their packed lunches. They had a great time together out on the lake and came home with a tiny little prize. We took lots of pictures with my boy and his fish.


But that's not what happened.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Baby Earthquakes

I felt the shaking. My husband didn't since he was walking at the time. At first I thought the cat jumped on the couch. But I couldn't find the cat. Then I went to the local seismic websites to see when the latest earthquakes were.

So I spent 3 minutes finding the right site. Clicking on all the "recent" earthquakes to find the nearest one, a 2.0 nearly 2 hours away from us. Usually a 4.0 is even hard to feel.

I give up and close the site, thinking I imagined it. . . . . and there it is again!!!!! Another baby earthquake.

The baby must like strawberries. I hope the shaking settles down and I can get some sleep.

Child Gate not Child-Proof

Hands-Free Gate by The First Years - Product Review

We went to a friends house and noticed she had this nifty little gate for her daughter's bedroom. Since I am pregnant the idea of stepping over a gate is less appealing. But I needed to find something that would keep my daughter in her room while she was being punished and her younger brother out. He is capable of opening doors now, even with the baby-proof doorknobs. So keeping him out is quite a challenge. He loves her so much!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

My Mother's Day

I don't usually do diary-like entries on my blog. After all, that's what a diary is for. But I have decided to chronicle my Mother's Day this year. Mostly because of my preggo-brain. But because when June arrives and I begin to think about Father's Day I will be hormonal, uncomfortable, and pregnant. The following things will either be said or thought "you never appreciate me. I do so much for you. You couldn't even give me a decent Mother's Day."

So this blog is to protect my marriage and my sanity.

Preggo Brain

Today is a good day (see all the posts), but lately I have had such difficulty thinking, much less putting my thoughts into language. Just the other day I told my husband to "get the thing, in the thing, by the thing." I finally gave up and just got the 'thing' myself.

So I want to apologize for all the bad blogs or non-existent blogs in the coming weeks. I am about 10 weeks from having this baby and my brain is all downhill from here.

No Pics for You!

I heard it when I got pregnant with my son, "you will never finish his baby book", "you will have no pictures of him", "its amazing how it isn't as exciting with your second".

Its true. I didn't make-up meanings to the coos and aaah he uttered. I just figured he was practicing using his vocal cords. I didn't worry when he didn't walk as early as my daughter, after all he was still in the normal range. And I don't think we have any pictures of him rolling over.

But in regards to pictures, it isn't because you care less. You are just too busy. I find it impossible to manage 2 toddlers, my purse, my pregnant belly, the diaper bag, AND a camera. The only way we get pictures is if a third party is present because they aren't busy child-wrangling. They can take a few snapshots. So, I don't find all those comments to be true. Instead I find myself busier and happier and much more relaxed. Hopefully I will have those memories, because I know I don't have any pictures!

Snow Storm of Diapers

This happened a few weeks ago. On a Saturday. A lazy Saturday.

The kids were playing nicely and quietly in my son's bedroom. I was relieved. I'm pregnant and that meant I could lay on the couch and relax a bit longer, maybe catch a bit of last night's tv shows. They played for about 30 minutes; no fighting, lots of laughing, they were both getting along. Now, you veteran parents know what that means - TROUBLE!

Women are Evil

I talked to my sister-in-law last night. She is 9 weeks pregnant now. When I spoke to her a few weeks ago after her ultrasound and I would ask her about her symptoms she would say, "not too bad, its all worth it in the end". I was so annoyed by her I-had-better-not-complain-attitude that I wrote this blog.

Why Tell Awful Stories?

I lost my twins at 18 weeks due to a twin related condition. In the first few months after my loss I cautioned newly pregnant ladies with twins that they may not stay pregnant with twins and that "something" could happen. I did this for two reasons: I felt like I would have been better prepared if I had known that my risk was SO much higher, and I wanted the mother-to-be to know what the warning signs were and the early treatment - lots of times doctors overlook things or tell us we are worry-warts, espcecially in twin pregnancies.

However, it seems I am not alone. All the time pregnant ladies are being told horror stories of labor and/or pregnancy.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven

By Jody Seilheimer

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

Saturday, May 6, 2006

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

Thursday, April 27, 2006

1 Corinthians 15:20-28

20But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. 21For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. 22For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. 23But each in his own turn: Christ, the firstfruits; then, when he comes, those who belong to him. 24Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. 25For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. 26The last enemy to be destroyed is death. 27For he "has put everything under his feet."[a] Now when it says that "everything" has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ. 28When he has done this, then the Son himself will be made subject to him who put everything under him, so that God may be all in all.

I really like this passage because it shows that God does not take loved ones from us. He and Death are not the same. Rather Death is his enemy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Best Day Ever

It could have been a REALLY bad day. We would be going to the dentist, then for Free Scoop at Ben & Jerry's, and I'm pregnant and tire easily. We would be traveling home during rush hour with sugar in the kids.

Monday, April 3, 2006

Help! I have been invaded.

When I was growing up I had to share a bedroom and bathroom with my younger sister. We would fight something awful. Screaming and yelling and destroying one another's posessions. Then I got married and had to begin sharing a bed. Although I am more mature now I still have my share of fights with my husband over snoring, sharing the sheets, and cold feet (mine).

Having a baby is much more difficult than sharing a room or a bed. I am sharing MY body. The body that I have had my entire life. I get to put what I want into it and the only one who suffers is me. If I decide to stay up late, I can get by with just a few hours. But pregnancy . . . . its all over. The baby is in charge! How can that be?!

MY First Progress Report

I am entering my 30's and I have spent many years in school; high school, undergraduate, and then graduate classes. As a result I have tested many times. It started with weekly tests in elementary school, then chapter tests in jr. high, and midterms and finals in high school and college. I have also taken my share of standardized tests; SATs, RICA, CBEST, GRE, and entrance exams. I can't even count how many times I have been assessed. Each time I nervously await the results - if I don't pass this class I am grounded, if I don't get my license I can't drive, if I fail the standardized tests I have to pay to take them again. So many terrible consequences. But the most recent results I receieved were more nerve wracking than even my AFP (pregnancy test for Down's).

Thursday, March 30, 2006

When a man loves a woman . . and a family

I truly believe that children bring another dimension of love to the reltionship between man and wife; creating that child, watching it being born, and then struggling through the sleepless night, stinky diapers, and celebrating the joys of smiles, rolling over, and walking.

Chocolate Raisins, which food group?

My mom bought me a tub from Trader Joes. I started on them last night when I found them in her house. My surprise when she told me they were for me. I snacked all night long. Then at 6 am they were calling my name. "eat me, eat me". They are disappearing, by the handfuls. I have decided not to feel guilty. After all I am getting my fiber and my fruit.

So I have decided that I am not *really* eating junkfood, just fruit . . . . chocolate covered.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The Cable Guy

Well, actually it was DirecTV. And I am not bashing them. I am bashing the small company they sub-contract out to. We had no cable, we did everything. We restarted the system, adjusted the satellite, and stood on one foot and hopped around. Nothing worked. I called the company absolutely desperate. I had been missing cable sporatically (of course during primetime and the morning news) since Tuesday evening. I told them of our troubles and promised a guy would come out on Saturday between 8-12.

Friday, March 10, 2006

The Level II Ultrasound at 18 weeks

I was seriously procrastinating all the way there. I took a shower as late as possible, put the kids down for late naps, and was just dragging my feet. It all started when I was trying to decide what to take with me to do in the waiting room - that's when I remembered that last time I filled out my paperwork to join the local twins club.

Thursday, March 2, 2006

First trip to the ER

From talking to other mother's of sons I hear it is a Rite of Passage. However, not one I want to do again anytime soon. Today I took my baby, 17 months, to the emergency room to get 3 stitches.

My daughter's 3rd Birthday

Today my daughter turns 3. I can't believe I just typed that. I am pregnant again and it feels like yesterday when I was pregnant with her. She has learned so much in her 3 short years, most of it good.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Egg Carton - toy or snack

When my daughter was younger I would give her the empty egg cartons for a few days as toys. She would use them to store things in, usually her people, and tote it around the house with her treasures inside. She would tire of the toy and I would throw it away. A week later she would have a new egg carton to play with.

Wanting Twins - A Revelation

Recently I spent the afternoon at my friend's mother's house. Inevitably the discussion steered towards the twins. Eventually I was talking about asking my doctor to prescribe me Clomid in the hopes of getting pregnant with twins next time. Since I feel as if my only chance to be a twin mom was taken away.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Blue Pizza

We just got back from our local Tony Roma's. I was hoping for a quiet dinner out to pump my pregnant body full of iron. But we took the kids along since it was a last minute plan and we didn't have a babysitter.

Monday, February 13, 2006

First night with first baby

I was so proud as we left the hospital and I was holding our bundled baby against the cold March wind. I gingerly got into the car and we took a hundred photos; in the elevator, putting her in the carseat, all of us in the car and going home.

Friday, February 10, 2006

My Nissan Quest

I love my minivan. I just can't say enough about it. I get asked a lot as to whether or not a woman should make the big jump into minivan-land. This is why I made that scary leap at the young age of 25 and we never looked back. This is the best baby-equipment besides my dishwasher and Tivo.

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Her Chores

At nearly 3 years old my daughter has chores. It isn't something that my husband and I discussed. But as she became more capable and helpful it just naturally evolved into her helping out with the house. This is her list of chores.

A Loss Mom's Obligations to Herself

Seeing a pregnant woman after your loss is inevitable. Hopefully, she will be an anonymous woman at the grocery store or a celebrity expecting her first. But it will probably be your friend, sister, neighbor or someone you will have to see often. Someone who you would have jumped for joy with before, but now things are different. You are different. You are a loss mom. How do you react to them while protecting your feelings and not offending them?

Sunday, February 5, 2006

We are Going to the Firestation!

Most days are really good as a stay-at-home mom of two toddlers. But you all know about the days I am going to talk about. The days that you think back to before children. You remember romancing your husband, having sex, and getting pregnant. And then you look at your little monsters and exclaim, "the sex wasn't that good, why did I do that!"

Sunday, January 29, 2006

I Can Say . . .

My son is 16 months old now. He is trying so hard to talk. He does a pretty good job of following directions (when he wants too) and understands us pretty well. But the words he can say are:

Friday, January 27, 2006

Pregnant - AGAIN!

Its hard being pregnant this time around. It is number four for me. No, not my fourth child, but my fourth pregnancy - my 5th child. My twins are waiting for me in heaven.

I spent the first 12 weeks terrified. I would check for blood on the toilet paper each time I went to the bathroom. Any little twinge and I would prepare myself for the worse. As I headed to my 12 week appointment I told my husband my 'back-up' plan just in case we had lost this baby too.

Miscarriage - What to Expect?

This post is to give you a guideline as to what to expect at the various stages of pregnancy and miscarriage. I am not a doctor, but have done lots of research in addition to speaking to may women about their experiences. I hope this can help you.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My Bizarro Twin

I was watching "Babies: Special Delivery" recently when they did a segment on a lady, named Leslie, who was giving birth to identical monoamniotic twin boys. Is she my bizarro twin? She was interviewed and I think she was reading my biography. She was 29 years old with an almost 2 year old pacifier loving daughter at home. Has she met my pacifier loving daughter?

It seems unfair when we have so much in common yet the one thing that keeps us apart is that her boys are alive and mine are not.

I Feel Lucky . . .

. . . that I lost my sons without spending weeks on hospital bedrest.

. . . that my children were so young that I didn't have to answer hard questions about death.

. . . that my doctor and the hospital staff were so supportive and caring.

. . . that I am able to have more children.

. . . that I am NOT high risk.

. . . that I get pregnant easily.

. . . that I knew the joy of being a multiple mother.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Twin Pregnancy

I am not a doctor. I have no medical training. I am not an expert. I have been 18 weeks pregnant with twins and I have read all the twin pregnancy books. I have also done the research and spoken to dozens of women about their twin pregnancies. Based on my experience, theirs, and the reading I have done I want to give women an idea as to what a twin pregnancy entails.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Wanting Twins

There are two types of ladies who want twins. The crazies and those who have lost their children.

Announcements after a Loss

If you don't want to leave out your angel when mentioning the birth of subsequent children. This is the best way I have seen so far.



Proud parents Erica and Mark Doe
Announcing the birth of our daughter Jane Doe
Sister to angel Jadyn Doe
Born December 25, 2005
8 pounds 3 ounces
21 inches long

Your Friend is Pregnant after a Miscarriage

I delivered my twins at 5 months in September 2005. I waited just a few weeks before getting pregnant again . I am now 11 weeks pregnant and mostly sad. There was no excitement when seeing that BFP. I wasn't elated, instead I was relieved. I was relieved I was finally doing something right and that I could prove to myself that I could do this 'baby-thing' right.

All I want for Christmas, . . . .

This year we are beginning to tell Lainy Ann the stories of Christmas. We have talked about Santa and leaving out cookies, we have talked about Mary having a baby, we have watched the Rudolph special on television, and she is learning the traditional carols in school. As we drive around the neighborhood she yells when she sees the lights and especially if she sees a blow-up Santa.

So I have asked her what she wants Santa to bring her on 2 seperate occasions. The first time she wanted an apple and the second time she wanted milk. No mention of commercialism; Dora, Cinderella, movies, stickers, anything. I would like to think this is because I do such a great job screening commercials and I don't spend too much time in the toy section at the store. But it is probably because her imagniation isn't that developed yet. I will enjoy this last Christmas where I can do all my shopping at the grocery store and start coming up for excuses as to why she can't have a puppy.